The Troops Are Not Coming
I have heard Coach Blu say several times, “The troops are not coming”. He speaks of it about your need to do something to find your own answers and support regarding addiction and mental health. I have come to understand this also applies to the family members of those who struggle with mental health and/or addiction. My particular journey has been very lonely. I live in a small rural town, and attend a small church congregation. Both of my communities were uncomfortable discussing hard topics like addiction.
I realized one day, as I was thinking of my son’s struggles, that if my son had been diagnosed with cancer, the troops around me would have paraded in and out of my home. They would have also called; they would have been there for me. My son struggled with emotional health issues that culminated in addiction; the troops never arrived.
I remember the first time I participated in a race with my son and his family. They had been feeling the support of their troops through AIIA for some time. Since I live several states away this was the first race, I had a chance to attend. I was not a runner, and I found myself oddly emotional. I realized that there were many around me who either understood my son’s struggles, or they understood mine. This was very new to me. I had spent years of my life feeling alone in what I was experiencing. It was all I could do not to burst into tears. I tried to express what was happening to me to someone else in the crowd. I articulated my thoughts poorly, struggled to find the words. Adding to the moment was awkwardness since I did not personally know them and I knew I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown. Looking back on that experience I don’t know why I didn’t realize that the reason I had struggled so long alone, was because I had never known where to find, my troops.
I tried at different times in my life to visit with my friends about what I was experiencing. Unfortunately, with very few exceptions they were not my troops. I even had someone say to me, “everyone knows you feel hurt about your son, you don’t need to talk about it”. It was very hurtful for me to be told that, until one day I was taught that in order to tell your story you must find someone who can bear the weight of your story. Then I understood, to share, I must find others who can handle hearing my story. I also came to understand that often others cannot bear the weight of your story for various reasons. Still, one thing that is particularly frightening to many is that it may bring to the forefront of their understanding that difficult circumstances can be beyond our control.
At one time I would have told you that in order to bear my story it had to be someone who experienced similar things. I have come to understand that is not necessarily true. There are people who are gifted at listening, and even though they might not share the same experiences, they have the ability to listen and validate. Just because someone shares a similar story, does not mean they have the strength or ability to bear your story. You might think that other family members should be your troops. Though that seems logical, due to their own struggles in the circumstance, they might not be in a position to be a support. They may have their own pain that needs to be worked through, and they may be in a different place of development in the situation than you are. I can tell you, that those who will be able to bear your story will most likely be those who have gone through difficulty of some kind and have grown through their circumstances. There is nothing more comforting than when you are able to share experiences with someone who has some sort of common ground, who practically know what you are going to say before you say it, because they “know”. Those are rare circumstances due to the fact that each individual is so unique. When we find our troops, we will sometimes be lifted; other times we will do the lifting. We will sometimes be understood, and other times we will offer the understanding. It was meant to be so.
The main thing to understand is that you must find your troops. It is not necessary to feel alone in your journey. As Coach Blue says, “The troops are not coming. We are the troops”.
Coach Dee-Addict II Athlete Family Systems Recovery Coach